I know. It’s been FAR too long but I’m back to tell the ongoing story of my intensive treatment week that included Ketamine. I hope I address some of your questions, if not please pop me a message.
I want to start by saying that Ketamine has been an amazing experience for me. However, different people have different experiences. This tells the story of MY Ketamine journey. So just a little disclaimer… I’m not saying it’s a cure-all but it has worked for me as ONE aspect of my treatment regimen. I’m also having the IV infusions etc. So no, it’s not a miracle cure but what happened to me has felt miraculous.
I was in the hospital for 5 days and had 4 Ketamkine sessions.
Session 1 and I had no idea what to expect. They gave me the little blue pill that calms you before they start running the Ketamine.
Marina, who heads the infusions did warn me to pack my phone away…. she knows what she’s talking about! I had decided to finally start watching a British period drama.
Well… being that I didn’t know what to really expect when the Ketamine hit me it was like “whoaaaa! Holy hell! I feel nice! I’m tripping!” You see double and triple. The world became colorful and I fell into the “Ketamine sleep”. It puts you to sleep from between 1 to 3 hours depending on the person and the dose.
I woke up prematurely because I needed to run to the toilet! All those IVs running. I’ve never flushed my pipes like I did that week!
Ketamine in my instance makes it hard to hold in because everything is relaxed! There’s no time for weird little dances to try and keep it in. It doesn’t work.
They put the little bars up on your bed during your Ketamine session for safety reasons. Imagine me, with IV stand in tow, trying to climb over and eventually slithering through the side of the bed in an attempt to get to the bathroom a.s.a.p. I can but imagine what that looked like to the others!
I felt happy. So happy. Like the burden, I was carrying felt lighter. I felt lighter. I would just get even lighter as my sessions progressed!
I felt like I was on the movie set of Bridgerton and wanted to capture the moment. So I decided to do little videos. Oh boy. When I started recording I realised I had a British accent!! Where the hell did that come from? Having a full-on convo with myself in a British accent. What was happening? When you shake your head at yourself? You know, one of those moments!
Marina was right. Pack the phone away. I sent my family group chats messages screaming “I loooooooooove youuuuuu”. My Mother’s immediate response “Is Tracey on drugs?????”. Yep. I was, I sniggered when I read the messages later. I cant read when I’m on Ketamine because my vision is messed up. It’s blurring or I see things in triple. This is where wearing an eye mask really becomes helpful.
After the Ketamine wore off I was tired. I lay there going through everything I had experienced. Sort of debriefing myself. I knew what to expect for the next day. I now knew how Ketamine felt so I would be more prepared. I did however wonder what the hell it would feel like for someone who has never gotten high or drunk etc. This was jumping into the deep end of the pool! I seemed to be chilling in the pool on a giant pink flamingo… as Dr. Seuss said “oh the places you will go…” In this instance, it’s oh the places your mind will go!
I woke up excited. We were going to do another round. I was feeling happy and this made me sit and eagerly await Marina and Linda’s visit with the IVs.
All morning I had, had problems with my IV line. Unfortunately, a nurse who was helping out at the hospital, and I were having back and forths about the IV. This subsequently led me to be very agitated.
I didn’t have a very long Ketamine sleep on day 2 either. AGAIN… I had to run to the bathroom. This was problematic.
I felt that I had wasted a Ketamine trip and proceeded to make videos about things that were agitating me and how I felt about the negativity and meanness I experience with some people. Even little gripes that I hadn’t acknowledged to myself.
I felt angry. I just let it out on video… this time in an American accent!
Again what the hell. American accent? I went with it!
So when I’m angry I develop an American accent? Or was it something I watched?
As I lay doing my own post-Ketamine debrief, watching the videos I made, I realised that the session wasn’t a waste. Was it all puppies and rainbows? No. It was an area of my life that I needed to work on.
What came out of that session and has actually stuck with me, even subconsciously, was a message to myself.
“Tracey, you need to be kinder to yourself and harder on the world”.
Sounds meh but it summed up what I had worked through during the day. I won’t go into the exact things but a light bulb went on for me and it changed my life and it has stayed on! It had freed me of a lot of negativity I was holding inside. I just released it and felt so liberated after. I feel liberated now! It made me step into my power. A power I had long since relinquished to people, things, situations. I am taking my power back at an incredible rate. Even my internal voice is now much gentler. I wasn’t very kind to myself. People treat you the way you allow them to. Now Tracey was going to speak to herself in a kinder voice, give myself some grace and patience and take a harder stance with the world. I can tell you, it’s working!
Sessions 3 and 4
I now understood Ketamine better. You had to go in and harness the power of it to work on yourself.
Also… what you put in, you get out! Watch a British show, and end up speaking with a British accent!
Prepping for my session was now important. I created a playlist of Tibetan singing bowls, chanting, sound baths, etc. I also used an eye mask. So earphones in and an eye mask on, is how I’ve been doing my Ketamine sessions ever since.
Sessions 3 and 4 were mind-blowing. It was indeed, life-changing. There are no other words to describe it.
I went into my Ketamine sessions and experienced all the fluffy clouds and rainbows. So many things started making sense. I found peace with so many situations. I kept a journal of all the things I remembered that stood out from my Ketamine sessions. A reminder.
I was able to find peace in my grief at losing a dear, dear friend whose funeral I couldn’t attend because I was in the hospital. I said my goodbye to her. I found a peace that I still cannot explain. Later I found that my writer’s block seemed to have dissipated when out of nowhere words started flowing from me. When I finally stopped I realised I had written a farewell, eulogy of sorts for my friend. This still blows my mind. I’ve experienced grief more than I’d like but this was different. My heart didn’t ache anymore.
I even saw myself go into my body and run my hands over my coccyx area. At that time I was in a crapload of pain with my coccyx. I have scoliosis in my coccyx, meaning it’s curved. Yep. Another weird thing. The problem with this is that being in that hospital bed for 5 days, only able to lay on my back because of the vein line, caused extreme pain that not even the morphine I was on was helping.
I am having this and a few other things worked on when I go into hospital on the 11th of May. Ugh. More in theatre procedures.
My Ketamine week (and a few others I have spoken to who did it with Dr. Raath) was a resounding success, in that it eased all my fascia amongst other things. Having relaxed fascia (the sinew over the muscle) and relaxed muscles are foreign to me!
This was exciting! How long was it going to last for though?
I feel like I got a two for one. Ketamine treats chronic pain but also treats depression and mood disorders.
I was in a really, really dark place before I went in for the Ketamine. I came home a completely different person.
I had a chat with hubby and with my family to explain that I had changed. A lot. I asked them to receive me as I now was, without all the crazy hang-ups I used to have.
I found myself no longer getting frantic and panicky. I just took things in my stride. All this being relaxed meant that I was physically relaxed too. I could stretch further in my couch yoga (let me know if you want info on this), and my fascia was relaxed which meant that a lot of the Myofascial pain was gone. My rock-hard muscle spasms were also gone. My little brother is always horrified when he has to massage me because of this.
Another sentiment I have heard echoed is that “a veil was lifted”.
I indeed did feel like my spirit had been invigorated and I was renewed in my determination to fight back. For the first ime in a long time I’ve become so hopeful again which really is a priceless gift.
Finally, it seemed like I found an intervention that made a real difference.
The next chapter of this blog will be about what life is like for me 6 weeks after.
What changes have I seen? What are my thoughts really about this intervention? A conclusion to my thoughts and experiences with Ketamine 6 weeks on. (I get Ketamine at a lower dosage in his IV rooms when I go for my infusions every week).
If you or a loved one has experienced Ketamine, I would love to hear the stories. Good and bad! I’m pulling together some Ketamine stories to share on social media but I want to know more about personal experiences… so if you’d be happy to, please drop me a message with your own take on it!
I’m also working on my Ketamine podcast so I want a 360-degree view of what people have experienced, what seems to work or not etc. I am really so inspired that I just want to take advantage of it! I’m so inspired I find myself writing a little bit everyday about anything. It’s like my writer’s block has shifted too so I will definitely have more blogs, vlogs and podcasts coming out. Watch my social media!
Have an incredible week ahead!
Sending light and love always!