In short. Everyone grieves differently. If someone has the perfect handbook for this could you, please hand it over? I had said to the person that I was not doing good. My blog post comes out and I have a new phone, so I accidentally broadcast it on WhatsApp. I got a message from this person saying “So now you’re broadcasting WhatsApp messages”. I was taken aback. As I took time to realise what had just happened, I responded with “Maybe if you read the post you would understand why I’m posting. Nice time to be judgey” to which I got no response. Cool. Showing your ass. Really nice. If someone decided to go jogging I wouldn’t be out here saying “Well look at you exercising while you grieve!” Man, if running around in circles, in a speedo with a traffic cone on your head, in your back garden to process helped YOU I would probably cheer you on.
Let me add before I continue that I have been physically ill since last week. Extreme nausea, unable to eat, fluey symptoms. Add on the extreme fibromyalgia pain and I’m in physical hell. Now mix in the emotional turmoil and I’m a complete mess. Writing that post helped so much. I needed to write this post to rid myself the angry, disappointed feelings. Holding things in, we all know is asking for trouble with Lupus and Fibromyalgia. I have to find a way to focus my mind a bit and blogging helps that. Thinking of ideas for content, doing research etc. Throwing myself into something because grief can be so all consuming Like I said to my husband, “I’m sick of crying!”. So, as I said before, I turned to writing.
I’ve heard lots of stories some amazing some gob smacking at people’s grieving processes. I happened to watch an episode of Hoarders today. Well the beginning, because my nausea wouldn’t allow me to continue. When the hoarder lost her husband, she just kind of gave up. Everything basically went to hell. That hoard was a representation of her grief. The mess that was consuming her home was the grief that had been consuming her.
Right now, I’m not able to engage in actual conversations with people about what has happened. I’m feeling physically ill so I’m not up to holding a conversation and talking about how I’m feeling or anything really. I can’t even talk about it because I’m still trying to process so many parts of this. So please be patient with me. Yes, I will post. I promise my posts won’t all be sad. Like I said before, I deal with sadness with things that make me happy, things that make me laugh. I am very aware of things like the 12 stages of grief etc. This is not my first Rodeo but it is very different thanks to Covid. Looking at the major grief events I went through are all different so I suspect my response will be different too. Who knows? Like I said… No handbook for this.
I don’t believe there is anything wrong with posting during my grieving because it is part of my process. It’s helping to get me through. Opinions are like arseholes. Everyone has them. People will always talk. Someone would have some problem with my grieving. That’s just how too many people in this world have become. It is what it is. I can’t change them, only my reaction to it. In this instance I preferred to throw my emotions into this blog post. The more I can throw into it the better for me. People really don’t understand how important the tightrope of anxiety/stress is for me with both of my conditions. I lost my Grandad far too soon and NO ONE can tell me how to deal with it. That was MY Grandad. It is my LOSS.
Thank you to everyone with their amazing messages. I really truly appreciate each and every one of them, they mean more than you know. I will be back on the grid. It’s just going to take some time. Thank you for being patient with me. Tomorrow we say Goodbye to my Grandad. It’s going to be another surreal time. International Zoom funeral. I will tell you all about my experience with death in the time of Covid-19 when I get to that point. Again, thank you for all the messages.
So what do you think about me posting? During the week he died. Too soon? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Having readers from around the world I’d love to get what your take on it is in terms of you culture. Would love comments!