A little while back I faced something that for a while brought me to my knees. You see I had developed PTSD from a protracted period of time that was my own personal horror. It was absolutely awful. It caused me extreme anxiety, mental stress, panic attacks, depression, caused my Lupus and Fibromyalgia to almost be in a constant flare. I become so physically ill I was booked off for 8 weeks because I was at the point where my disease activity was at the verge of seizures. I needed a blood transfusion. It was complete chaos and I was well on my way to doing some real damage which could potentially be fatal.
It was a vendetta. I was too ill to even fight back and just let egregious things happen to me without fighting back. Until it got to a point where it become so obviously ridiculous that I had to stand up for myself to stop it.
It never really did stop I guess looking back. While I went off and got better I worked on my mental and emotional state as well because it affects my physical health. I made peace with the situation and decided to forget what happened and move on because thats how I am. What good does it do me to hold onto it. I was seeing my psychiatrist and we had to add extra meds to keep me stable.
The underlying tension remained. Confirmed by a threatening comment made to me. At which point I actually told the person “I bear you no ill will. That was in the past where it shall remain”. However the damage was done. I had developed PTSD. Something I haven’t really spoken about. Until now.
Recently something came up where I found myself in a similar situation with the same person and it triggered me. It triggered my PTSD. I will never understand why someone can hold onto grudges and try and make someone’s life hell. Like what do you get out of basically “bullying” someone?? Years later too! I was horrified that even though I had tried to be genuinely nice to this person and rebuild a relationship but yet this person still carried hatred and darkness in their heart for me.
I’d like to think I’m a good person. I don’t want to hurt people. Like with this situation. Numerous medical professionals told me to take it further but I couldn’t. It would just make things worse and I didn’t want that. I wanted it to be over. I thought it was but apparently not. I cannot imagine a life where you hold onto such evil feelings for so long. That long after you would still do petty things to make my life difficult. The worst part? You’re doing it to someone with a disability. Again I was referred to a lawyer etc but I was in a really dark space and not sure what direction I wanted to take this. The anger and frustration in me wanted to take it further. The inherent being I am didn’t want to fight because I abhor conflict.
My PTSD had kicked in. Depression and anxiety had set in. Not because of the situation but because someone could hate me so much. I’ve never experienced so much hatred and blatant gunning for me. A blatant show of what they thought of me and wanted to do to me. Years later!! It was incomprehensible to me. I had never experienced this and was just shell shocked by it all.
So knock on effect. I was suffering from Lupus and Fibromyalgia flares because of the stress. I was having flashbacks of what had happened in the past. I felt like I was being sucked into a vortex. Surely we weren’t going to battle again? You’re going to fight a disabled woman who just came out of a 9 day hospital stint?? The worst part is that this is someone who purports to be a very devoted Christian. I withdrew and became manic with anxiety and angst. PTSD running rampant.
One day I woke up and said “ENOUGH!”. Why was I giving this person such power over me? Earlier in the year I had taken my power back. I could do it again. Negotiations were happening and I decided to not continue fighting it. My amazing sister had already mobilized a brilliant lawyer for me. From the past I knew this would be another stupid protracted fight. I didn’t want to take part in a tit for tat fight. It was stupid and unnecessary and it was making me ill. It was just not worth it. Pick your battles. Besides I honestly didn’t want to get into a fight with the person. I really didn’t.
I had to dig deep. I was reading something and these words struck me “Let go and let God”. It resonated with me. Here I was letting this person take me to a dark place, making me act out of character. I decided to stay true to myself. I was Tracey. A good person who hated conflict. I could choose. Fight and take it who knows where or walk away with my sanity and beliefs in tact. I chose the latter. The sooner I was done with this person the better.
Let go and let God…
I ended it, accepting what was proposed even though I wasn’t entirely happy but damn it was worth being done with this situation. A small price to pay to restore peace in my life. It wasn’t for me to take revenge or come at the person. To what end?
The are universal laws of Karma and for Christian’s it’s what you sow you reap. For Wiccans what you do, good or bad comes back to you threefold. So why waste my time and energy and do things out of my character when those universal laws exist. It was so freeing to walk away. I felt renewed. I felt like I was entering a new chapter in my life and all of this crap I was leaving in my past! Still I bear this person no ill will. There is no space to carry hatred in my heart. It’s a poison I don’t want in my heart. I have grown and I believe this was a test. I feel sorry for someone who can carry hatred and vindictiveness in their hearts. Someone who can dig deep to go at you. To launch a campaign against you. It’s sad really.
My Jihad (internal struggle) did not end there. I am someone who will absolutely go out of my way for my loved ones. I’m loyal to a fault. I slowly started seeing certain things. Not that I hadn’t seen it before. I had been hurt but just shrugged it off. Then something happened that really hurt me. I was like “whoa! Wait a minute. What kind of behaviour is this?” The straw that broke the camel’s back.
I realised that while I had put in so much time and effort into these relationships they weren’t authentically reciprocated. I was hurt. I decided that this was the last time I would allow myself to be hurt. You see people treat you the way YOU allow them to treat you. I’m always nice. Always doing the right thing. Going out of my way to help people. Make no mistake that will not change but the people who benefit from it will change.
I did some really hard introspection. Damn man I am a grown ass woman and I can decide who I give of myself, time and energy to!! Looking back at the year I realised how wasted it was on some people. So, sorry not sorry but some people have not made the cut to be part of my tribe. I now have standards and criteria. I love hard and only those who have authentic relationships with me, who show me real, pure love and positivey are allowed in.
Being sick I don’t have a lot of good days. Damn with Lupus I don’t know how much time I have period! So why on God’s green Earth would I waste it on undesirables who are so unappreciative and don’t actually love me? Hell no! Life is too short waste your time like this!
So I took my hiatus. Dealt with a lot of emotional stuff but I am much better now. Sometimes you just have to release yourself from mental bondage. I’ve had to learn that it’s awesome to be a loving, giving person but you need to set boundaries and also stand up for yourself.
Some situations you have to step back. Not every fight is worth fighting. Let go and let God (or the universe etc whatever you believe in). Let the universe deal with it. Sometimes it works in ways you could never have imagined or pulled off. You don’t have to be the one to do it though.
Get rid of the toxic people in your life! Family or not. Minimise contact if you must. Work around it to cause yourself as little grief as possible. I found out that someone was putting out blatant lies. Do I call them out on it? The old Tracey would have. Not this one. Too old and sick of this shit. You do you boo. I tried to help. It’s sad that I believed the lies though.
So in all of this introspection I came back to why I was given Lupus. I need to learn to put myself first. I’m always ready to help others and put my needs and feelings on the back burner. By doing this I have allowed people to treat me a certain way because like I said we teach people how they can treat us.
Not anymore… not Tracey version 10.0!
I’ve started my own personal movement. I know some of you need to join it. It’s called the Me First movement! #mefirst
I will be doing a blog on it for the new year but that doesn’t mean you can’t start now!! Guard your heart! Do something for yourself once a week. Get creative about it! I look forward to hearing what you are going to do for your #mefirst movement!
It’s not selfish! We all need to put our own needs first at some point! I’d love if you typed #mefirst in the comments to show that you are going to become part of the movement!
Fun Festive blogs ahead! All the heavy stuff is out of the way for now so lets get very merry! I 😂😂🎄🎄🎄