The darkness of depression. I’m here but I’m not present.

Alot of people have been reaching out to me. I’ve gone off the grid for more than a week which people know is very unlike me. I am sharing this post in the hopes that I will find some catharsis and perhaps that it helps someone else out there who needs this. I’m filled with trepidation and anxiety as I write this because I’ve been trying to quell the streams of sobbing. I could literally solve the water problem in the Cape in a couple of days. Oh wait. Tears are salt water.

I just want everyone to know that I am trying my hardest to get out of a very dark space that I am in. I am not avoiding you, I am just unable to function normally at this time. I am unable to have conversations. I’m a hot mess. There was a catalyst. I saw an occupational therapist who had me in a room for three hours. The energy felt wrong. It was clear she didn’t really understand my struggles nor did she actually care to. Here I was once again trying to unsuccessfully explain the challenges I face in life to someone who was so unreceptive.

I started the year so positively with so many amazing things to look forward to. Things other than just my diseases… somehow in one fell swoop this woman killed my spirit.

Depression is a dark and lonely place. Alot of people don’t understand depression and think that getting some fresh air or exercise or “just snap out of it” is a quick fix. These people have clearly not experienced the crippling effect of depression. Doing the most mundane tasks is hard. The unending feeling of heartbreak and steady stream of tears. Isolating yourself because talking to people is just too hard.

I decided that from Monday (tomorrow) I would start journalling again. You see, I have to see this woman again on Friday and I want to get all my feelings out. I want to go into the session prepared. Not a blubbery mess who doesn’t get her message across. She was also a literal pain in the ass. Making me sit for 3 hours in a cold room caused me to have lower back pain as well as pain and inflammation in my sacrum. Mental, emotional and physical pain. Great. Just friggin great.

I am not myself right now but with work I will be again. I am overwhelmed at the thought of having to pick myself up from the floor AGAIN. So many times. So, so many times. Perhaps that’s why I am feeling so broken. There are only so many times you can glue a broken cup together again.

I’m not avoiding you. I just need time. I’m just not myself but eventually I will be. I want to do a piece on depression because I am not the only person going through this right now. The dark depths of depression swallow you into an abyss that you feel you can’t get out of and many people commit suicide. I can totally understand this. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Hell, there is no tunnel. Just a dark pit.

To those reaching out, I love you. I am taking the necessary steps to get better. This is just to let you all know why I’ve gone off the grid for a while. This is an easy way to reach alot of you who have trying to get hold of me because you are concerned. I love you for that. There are people who don’t have that. Who are completely alone and alot of them do end up committing suicide. I’ll be back. I’m a fighter. I know no other way to be but right now I’m weak and it’s ok to be weak sometimes.

If you or someone you know of are suffering from depression please seek help. Feeling sad and being depressed are two different things. We lose too many people and ALOT of teens to this disease. Please have those conversations with your children. Tell them that even if they don’t want to speak to you there are other resources available to them and to you. I will be doing an in depth blog on this at a later stage because we need to educate ourselves on this debilitating illness. Yes, it’s an illness. So just like you seek help for other illnesses like the flu, you should do the same with depression.

I wish you all light and love and promise to make a come back. For now I’m in a cocoon dealing with my emotions, anxiety attacks but taking my medication and trying to get it together a little bit at a time. Doing one more small thing everyday. Being depressed does not mean you are weak! That’s why I’m sharing this. You all know me to be happy and wacky but even someone like me can get sucked in. Let’s start taking mental health seriously. Start by reaching out.

Some resources in South Africa: (If outside South Africa, I will do my best to find you help in your area)

Lifeline (Suicide, abuse, trauma etc.) 24hr helpline 0861 322 322

SADAG : South African Depression, Anxiety Group

24hr Helpline 0800 456 789 or visit their website

Remember you are not alone. There is NO SHAME in seeking help for depression or any other mental illness!If you want more information about where you can go for subsidised counselling, drop me a message and I will try my best to help you. Again. You are not alone. Sending you all light and love.