I found myself singing in the kitchen. Loudly. Don’t worry no neighbours were hurt during the singing! Some of you might think “Yup that’s Tracey for you” but the reality is that I lost the ability to find pleasure in music.
My Fibromyalgia does not like loud noise. I would often have to tell Irfaan to turn it down. He loves music. We loved music and dancing (as some of you may remember!). After I had been singing for a while, I realised that I was singing. I stopped. Wait. What? There were also some hip movements (no hips were popped out of place).
When did this happen? I reflected on it that day. It made me happy. I realised that all my hard work, challenges and tasks I was given like CBT stuff and the Ketamine therapy was paying off. I had seen slow progress and I was happy with that. Ketamine was the game changer though. It helped me in a way I can only describe as magic. As always, this is my journey, this is what worked for me, and I am merely sharing my story. I’m not telling you what to do. If you are interested, contact me or go and research it for yourself. It’s always best. Don’t just take one person’s take on a subject go and read and understand for yourself. You might find you have a different perspective. I digress!
The Ketamine was like a reset button on my brain. I still have Ketamine infusions every week, but I will be stopping due to financial constraints. I will then go when I can afford it or if I’m in desperate need. It’s winter. I expect spasms because of the cold. Muscles and Fascia having a house party in my body during winter. Thankfully thus far they have been behaving because the Ketamine relaxes my muscles and fascia. I remember once when I was in hospital my previous pain specialist gave me muscle relaxants for stroke patients because my muscles and fascia were that bad. I had the most bizarre reaction… I started jerking. Randomly. I jerked myself awake. That was so scary. But… I have found a new pain specialist and I’m making progress!
I just saw an article where it puts your Fibromyalgia on a scale. 6 is the worst. I was a 6 when I started but I think I’ve moved down to 5. I think is great. Besides journaling about progress, I can start measuring my Fibromyalgia against the scale. Have something to measure my progress. There have been a lot of things that have improved because of my more treatment plan. He was treating the low-grade inflammation, and this helped stop my Lupus from flaring! I have so many tangible results, like a massive reduction in medication. I like tangible results and that’s what I’m getting! Stats!
So, here I am… I’m listening to music. Irfaan and I are playing some 90s songs. We even did a video for my Godson and my aunt for their birthdays with us dancing to Stevie Wonder’s “Happy Birthday”. Listen I couldn’t go as low as I could before, but I didn’t pop a hip or hurt my back! We got jiggy with it! 90s reference! We had so much fun. It’s so great to have fun together. I will say my aunts said that we did a really good job. No. I’m not sharing that video! When I get even better … I am going to attempt to recreate ‘the hills are alive with music” scene in the nature reserve next to us. I promise to share that one. I’m typing this and laughing because I can picture myself being extra dramatic.
Life has changed so much for me. My spirit is so much lighter. I’ve included a pic I took this weekend because, I don’t know, maybe you guys can tell me, but I think I look better. I was told by a new person in my life that they pegged me at 29! Haha… 42 going on 29. I’ll take that! I think even in my writing I’ve changed. It’s such a great feeling.
My aunt got roller skates for her birthday, and I think I’m going to get a pair too! Looks like fun! Irfaan will probably make me wear a helmet and all the pads he can find. Probably attach a mattress to me. Last week I fell onto the bath with my hip. I got an “I told you so…” and a bruise. Irfaan said to me “Normally I would rush you to hospital for an Xray but you’re not that fragile anymore”. Thank God. He really would have made me go to ER.
I have a friend who believes in “Be happy on purpose”. Life is about choices. If you can choose the route of being happy, take it. I do understand that when you have depression you don’t have a choice because of the place that you’re in. If you are battling with mental health, please seek help. We need to destigmatize mental health in men. I am a massive mental health advocate. If you need resources, I am very happy to help you find them.
I’m slowly growing into a different person. All the surgeries and all the infusions I put myself through really was worth it in the end. When I was going through it and just wanted to give up, I kept telling myself that it would be worth it in the end – that’s exactly what manifested. I’m far from done. I have a triple surgery coming up. My lower back, sacrum and coccyx. Yes, even my tailbone is problematic! See what I’m dealing with! Do you know how crazy people look at you when you are holding your tailbone? True story. When I’m in pain I have no shame okay. I will hold my tailbone. Soon, soon this won’t be as problematic anymore. I know recovery is going to be hard but my will to fight is stronger this time. It’s going to be worth it in the end …
For now, I continue to sing and sometimes move a hip because it’s a massive sign of progress. Not just with my pain but more importantly my mental health. So, pic attached … No filters! Zero make up. Hence me having caterpillar eyebrows. As I am. And I must say I’m damn proud of myself! Where did this confidence come from??
Now we can get onto other blogs! I have some interesting topics coming up. I was so encouraged to hear that a teen reads my blog and loves it! Even suggested I write a book for teens. I’m on it. This has been a work in progress but of course in my world things take longer because I don’t know how I’m going to feel on a particular day. I love to hear that a teen is reading! So, I want to send a special shoutout to Siyo for being a super cool dude who actually reads! Thank you for your kind words, Siyo! Words are so powerful and Siyo’s words were super powerful because it came at the right time. Thanks, Siyo! Continue encouraging people. It’s an amazing character trait to have in a world where there is a lot of negativity. I think we can all take a page out of Siyo’s book. Learn from a teen… Words are powerful. Use them wisely.
Hope everyone has an amaaazing week!
Remember to be happy on purpose!
Sending light and love .. xoxo